sweet.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I lied

I'm sorry I gave up so much of myself.

I'm sorry for not being perfect enough.

I'm sorry for being so self-conscious.

I'm sorry for feeling more for him than I thought I would.

I'm sorry that I went that far.

I'm sorry for not saying anything.

I'm sorry for comparing myself to them.

I'm sorry for being jealous and feeling stupid.

I'm sorry for being so irresponsible.

I'm sorry that I keep making the same mistakes over and over.

I'm sorry for not taking things more seriously.

I'm sorry for being so selfish.

I'm sorry for not standing up for what I know is the right thing to do.

I should have.

But I didn't....again.

And I keep falling all over myself.

I don't know whether I feel confident or insecure.

I can't always see where am I'm going.

And I usually do it before I think of the consequences.

I spend my time impulsively and I rarely think of the long term effects.

I want to do the right thing, but sometimes the wrong thing just feels better.

And I'm a mess.

But please don't leave me here.

Show me what to do.

How to get out of this corner I've backed myself into.

It's messy Love, but I have nothing else.

I am nothing else.

Please be patient with me.

I need you here.

More than I need air to breathe.

Please stay with me.

Please teach me.

Show me how to stop being so afraid to care.

Afraid to love...and be loved.

Sometimes I just don't feel like I'm good enough...

Or even capable.

Show me how to be more like you.

Because I'm lost here...show me where to go.

bomb ass.

WOA.

It's been A LOOOONG time since I've posted anything...

So maybe I'll post a few pretty things I've found since I've been gone.

*

*

*

Just a few things ;)

Mostly

Lately I've had this urge to wanna travel the world. Not even necessarily another country...but just another state. Head on the highway with a couple really close friends and drive to Chicago or somewhere and go sight seeing for a couple days. I think I wanna go see my brother soon in Texas. I think it's definitely time I see him. At least before school starts. I just pray that God allows me to be able to afford it with all the other stuff coming up I need to buy.

Hmmm...

Road trip with my friends to chi-town... Gas money, hotel stay, food, time off work... And then a plane ticket to Texas round trip. LOL.


We'll see.

One day...

This will be my life.

I'm melllllting...

I'm sitting here at my desk.

Trying to be professional.

But I'm so tired from my ridiculous amout of socializing yesterday.

I was already late for work this morning.

I'm trying to be a supportive friend.

And deal with a bitchy co-worker.

I could fall asleep right now.

As I type.

There's alot of things I could be thinking about.

That I'm choosing not to.

Just trying to be professional.

And be reliable.

UGH.

Lunch time in about 7 minutes...

Oh Lord please...

Let time pass by quickly.

look.

"There’s the part of me that loves you. The part of me that adores your energy and wants you to succeed. And then the part of me that hates you. That part of me that wishes you’d find another girl to torment."
-me

mm.hm.

&&

My heart's saying...

I couldn’t be more sincere.
You’re impeccable.
You’re beautiful.
And I love you.
How wonderful is your love.
How capable you are of giving my heart peace.
How willing you are to love me.
…even though I don’t say the right things.
I don’t always trust what You say.
Oh but you always come through.
You never fail me.
And I don’t always get it.
But You get me.
And how grateful I am
That you chose me.
That you love me.
And that I love you.
Our passion for each other will change this world.
Change their mindset about love.
I know it will.
I feel it when I sing to you.
When I talk to you.
When I touch your hand.
I know you are changing my heart
Molding it
Making me whole again.
People will know our love as we walk together.
They will want this love.
And I will speak of it to them.
I will sing of it.
And they will seek this love.
With their whole hearts
Because I trust this love.
And I will tell them the truth.
And so they will find it.
And I will love you always.
As you love me.
Thank you.

-Me.

yes. ;)

hmm.

I like those things. Those beautiful things. When my hair is messy and my nail polish is chipping. and the flower petals are splashed with water. and you smile because I laughed...and I laugh because you smiled. And noticing that my hair has gotten longer. And knowing what things mean without words. Or saying things even if it makes me nervous, and then being suprised that you love it. And what it would be like if the world could compromise with me and make certain moments last longer than normal. and hearing that song in the car that reminded me of the day you broke my heart and I cry or feel that same wave of intense emotion that reminds me I still kinda have feelings for you. and finally discovering that I'm not as stupid as I thought I was, and I'm capable of making my own decisions free of any other influence. and the shower being the perfect temperature, and singing a song I don't know the words to. and realizing I really do care. And accepting truth no matter how painful, and sabotaging myself for your benefit, because deep down inside I loved you-And not being real sure if I don't anymore. And driving with the windows down and letting the cool breeze reassure me everythings gunna be ok.

-Me...

Oh how her ADHD kicks in.

My Text Message to Vince...

"Sir. I'm suuuper hyper and suuuper bored at work. And Idk wut to do. And ur at work and really busy, so u can't text me. And I wanted to ask u what u were doin tonite. But I'm nervous to text u cuz ur at work. And I guess rite now is a good time to let u know that I'm diagnosed with ADHD lol, so I hope u don't think I'm crazy. Cuz I'm not :) I'm just hyper active. And I can't keep playing computer games on my computer, cuz it's not as satisfying as xbox360. And I miss talking to u when I'm not. So text me when u get off work. LOL."
*^*^*^
And to this he immediately replied...

"...Lol. U r hilarious. U can text me anytime u want :-)"

I just want...

That kind of romance.

The kind that's wild. undefined. heart melting.

The kind of romance that scars but the pain makes sense after healing.

The kind of romance where our few arguments are long... sincere... and passionate.

The kind of romance where every picture taken shows our happiness.

The kind of romance that makes me discover things about myself I never knew.

The kind of romance that makes him see a better side of himself.

The kind of romance that's so intense we can feel each other in the room, before we see eachother.

That kind of freedom.

The kind of freedom that lets me hop on a plane when I want.

The kind of freedom that let's me walk away from the world to walk alone... and take pictures of the beauty I see.

The kind of freedom that allows my youthful eyes to see things most haven't just because I sought after it.

**********************

To know You Father.

To be so intertwined with You that it bleeds through every page of my heart.

That we could be one person.

That I can hear You and feel Your presence always.

I love You Father more than life itself. More than this world. More than my accomplishments, or my relationships.

My trust is in You because I love You.

And I believe what You say, because I know You love me too.

Oh our passion for eachother is overwhelming...I could speak of it for days.

I want always to be a manifestation of my love for You.

That every move I make would be a direct reflection of my love for You.

I want that always Father.

And Lord I want to share it with everyone so that they too may feel how powerul, peaceful, settling, mindful, understanding, and gentle your love is.

To know Your Word by heart.

Can't wait.

True.

Yes.

Why am I standing in your shadow, wondering whether or not I'm able to do it right this time. I never asked for your permission, so why am I so desperately looking for it?

Forget all the things I said before. Clearly it wasn't the truth. And obviously you don't care enough to find out what really is. So I'm walking away from you. And all of your plans, and all of your preconcieved notions and thoughts of me.

I'm walking away from you and the box your trying to put me in.

I'm stronger than the boundries you put me in. I'm bolder.

And I won't walk behind you anymore...trying to make sure you stay as comfortable as possible.

I'm strong enough to walk past you now.

I don't care what you think anymore, because I realize you loved me only for your own convenience.

For your ability to conquer what you see in me.

The spark in me that makes me unattainable.

Because of my frailty and my inability to see passed my own flaws, my immaturity about my own strength...you thought you'd come in and give me advice. Nuture me...and mold me into what you think your own self-esteem can handle.

But I've learned quickly your love for me was for your own benefit.

And it was never really about my best interest, but your own.

A selfish love I innocently trusted in.

But I know now who you are, and more importantly who you aren't.

So I'm walking away from you...sometimes physically...but mostly emotionally. There are parts of me you'll never know. And tho I used to be bothered by that truth, I see now that that same fact frees me from your grasp.

Free enough to walk away...from you.

-Me.

Almost doesn't count.

Almost made you love me

Almost made you cry

Almost made you happy, baby

Didn't I.. Didn't I

You almost had me thinkin' You were turned around

But everybody knows...Almost doesn't count

Almost heard you saying...

You were finally free

What was always missing for you, baby...

You'd found it in me

But you can't get to heaven...Half off the ground

Everybody knows...Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you, One foot outside the door

I hear a funny hesitation of a heart that's never really sure

Can't keep on tryin'...If you're looking for more

Than all that I could give you...

...Than what you came here for

Gonna find me somebody

Not afraid to let go

Want a no doubt be there kind of man

...You came real close

But everytime you built me up...You only let me down

And everybody knows, Almost doesn't count

Maybe you'll be sorry

Maybe you'll be cold

Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby, From the cruel cruel world

Almost convince me...You're gonna stick around

But everybody knows, Almost doesn't count

So maybe I'll be here

Maybe I'll see ya around

That's the way it goes

Almost doesn't count.

-Brandy

<3

Stuff I stole cuz I thought they were VERY pretty things...

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

“ The way to love someone is to lightly run your finger over that person’s soul until you find a crack, and then gently pour your love into that crack."

“ If sex is sweet and death is bitter, love is both. Love will always and forever break your heart."


“ In my whole life, everything is all or nothing—and obsessively romantic. I’m interested in how things feel, how it would feel if you were there and you were lying in a chair looking up at the ceiling, and how it would smell and how the flowers would look and things like that. "

“ He reached for her hand. “I don’t want to lose you.” His voice was almost in a whisper. She could feel the tears again, and she fought them back. “But you don’t want to keep me either, do you?” To that, he had no response. "

“ When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant."

“ That we are made of love,And all the beauty stemming from it,We are made of love,And every fracture caused by the lack of it."

“ There is too much space sitting between our bodies...melt into me now."

“ I want to spend the time I have doing things that makes my heart rage."



love is too tiring. much too tiring.
"and i’m exhausted. so don’t be surprised to find my heart under lock and key. i’m okay with mr. right-now, i don’t need a love of my life just yet.."




...And ohhh how I love pretty things

;)